It was the day of my appointment as a leader. That time, I can’t help but lamenting on the ridiculousness of what happened: how come some overly introverted and deficient person appointed to lead a group of eighteen people? But she who placed me in that unfitting position seemed to know what she had decided, and she looked like she had made the correct decision. “Perhaps I’m the best of the worst,” I tried to give myself some “motivation”.
Even with all the halfheartedness, I striven to serve the people I was leading. Yet, as I had predicted, they wouldn’t listen to me at all. Or maybe only a little. When there’s fault that happen to came to the people I lead, it was I who must took the responsibility. Briefly said, it was pathetic.
Another day, I lost my faith in myself and asking for my resignation to the person who appointed me back then. But what that person has said to me? “You really don’t understand what being a leader means”. And so, with my request rejected, I wondered about what she said. I still haven’t found the answer until the time I took an even greater responsibility came.
I was elected as leader of an organization, this time far bigger and higher than the previously mentioned. And what followed was exactly the same as happened before. I felt nothing but helplessness. The organization I was leading was nothing than just list of people. I even didn’t took part in an important event that should have me involved. In the end, I met a terrible failure. I believe I was ruining my organization, though no one has said I had done so.
And that’s how my years of leading passed. The days after that, I only wondering of those blunders I’ve made those times. And, well, I realize that all I used to be wasn’t a leader at all. I just telling people whom I thought to be my subordinates to do this and that without even listening and understanding them. There are way too many mistakes to explain here, I suppose.
But the least I could learn from those failing days was: leading is a heavy burden and one should not have pride just because oneself is a leader because it is nothing to be proud of. And that’s why I always respect the people who act as my leader, because leading is not a simple matter.